Toast
by ana valentin
Summary: Life after Mockingjay I want to thank everyone for all the support I'm a poet at heart so this story telling is a new challenge for me I hope you enjoy my take inbetween the last chapter and epilogue give me suggestions if you'd like. ENJOY! :
1. Chapter 1

"Katniss! Katniss! It's just a dream! It's just a dream!" I hear Peeta scream as I fight mutts off of his bleeding body, and suddenly it's light and I'm no longer a bloodstained mess rather than a sweating one in bed. Shaking with both fear and confusion I see a bloody Peeta to my side.

'Katniss, are you alright?" He asks as he grabs a napkin for his nose.

"I should be asking you the same thing." I reply wryly trying to rid myself of the lump in my throat. No matter what I do, I always seem to be hurting him.

"I'm fine. Just worried about you. You were thrashing like a wild animal in your sleep. Usually you don't have nightmares when I sleep with you. I guess I'm not enough to protect you anymore."

Peeta. The only reason why I've been sane these past few months is more than enough. But he can't fight off everything. I don't tell him this; instead I reach over and give him a light kiss on the cheek. I might not be good with words, but hopefully that'd translate to "Of course you are."

"Do you want me to get you a sleeping pill?" When I raise my eyebrow in an expression that suggests if he's serious or not he chuckles and wraps me in his arms again.

"This is much better." I tell him while cozying up and feeling sleep tug at me once more.

"What were you dreaming about?" He asks me, and I feel the lump once again. I know it isn't fair, he tells me everything. Let's me in when sometimes I don't even want to. But there are something's I can't let go of. I feel myself closing up, my body turning rigid and his reacts the same.

"I get it you don't want to tell me… Fine. Goodnight." he sighs and a panic rises from within my chest. I hate when the chilly air that I once welcomed drafts over us again. I've lost him more than I can stand to forces out of my hand, now when there's no one else to blame but myself I can't help but think he deserves someone better.

"I dreamt that a mutt was killing you. Tearing you to shreds and no matter how many times I shot it, it wouldn't let you go. It had the eyes of Snow… I was helpless." I shudder and feel Peeta's soft lips on my shoulder, sending goose bumps throughout my body.

"Shh, it's fine. I'm here. Thank you." He sighs and I turn my body so I could look into his eyes. His blue stare, melting with adoration, I start wondering when it is I'll be able to let go and be the same.

And that's when Gale's face flashes through my head, and another lump forms. Except this time I can't stop the tears that start to fall. I quickly brush them and get annoyed when more begin to fall. Aggravated at my foolish, leaking self I head to the bathroom before Peeta has a chance to see that I'm crying. Unfortunately he rushes right after me. It's a struggle to lock the door as he pulls, but I finally do and sit on the toilet weeping. This isn't you Katniss, I tell myself. This weak, broken bird isn't you.

And then I hear Finnick's voice telling me that even Mockingjays cry.

I woke up in the shower. Eyes puffy, face drained. I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face to no avail the marks from last night's tears don't leave. I take a deep breath and open the door only to step on Peeta.

"Peeta! What are you doing?" I lash out. Regret rushes in when I realize he stayed by the door waiting for me.

"Look I'm sorry Peeta. I just… I'm just." And then the tears flow once again. Apparently I'm meant to be a blubbering fool after everything I've gone through.

"It's ok. It's ok. I'm here," he murmurs into my hair. That's the problem. He's here. I don't deserve him; I've hurt him and Gale countless times. Who says I deserve to be happy? I deserve to live alone, unloved for the number of deaths I've caused. For those who fought when the reason why wasn't even fully clear. I deserve to die.


	2. Chapter 2

I grabbed by sheath of arrows and bow from the hollow log, although there is no longer a need to keep my hunting a secret, old habits die hard. I feel the tension roll off my back as I head deeper into the forest. There's a certain something in the air, something in the peace of nature that therapy and Doctors can never compete with.A deep smile sprayed across my face as I heard the silent whistle of the arrow shooting pass me and land soundly into a bird a few hundred feet above me. I shot a few more down and put them into my game bag. A shock of loneliness shot through me as I turned to a nonexistent Gale to head home.

No matter how much time has passed I keep expecting him to be there, with his silent footsteps. Instead, I'm alone.

No Katniss… you're not alone. You have Peeta, and that alone is more than enough. In my gut the debate continues and I feel tears spring to my eyes for the millionth time this week. I don't know how to just get a grip. Maybe this is what the war has brought on, instead of strength more weakness. More than I can stand. These tears, they do nothing but make the people around me worse. Even Haymitch doesn't know what to do with me. Peeta tries, time and time again. But he doesn't get that with every sweet remark, a lash ten times the weight strikes me. I just don't know what to do.

"what if we ran away, we could do it you know. You and me?" What if I had done it. I've asked myself this question time and time again but never have I actually weighted the outcome. I know this grief, it's not only for my Prim. My little duck. No, it's for the loss of something just as part of me as her, the loss of gale. Though I no longer need him….

I no longer need him.

That's it! This is how I will move on! And just with that I am jumping through the air, scaring any possible meal away for the next hour. But I don't care! Gale and I, we were put together for our mutual need of survival. We were one, that much is true. But these life experiences, they have changed us in irreversible ways. He will forever be a part of me, that I can't deny. But just as Prim is, Finnick, Cinna, a never ending chain of people, have left footprints on my being. I know that the longing will never leave me, but I can mitigate the pain with joy…

"Peeta!" I yell, and with that I am running.

Heart pounding, red faced and hair disheveled I stop at Peeta's house. He is of course in the kitchen kneading dough, I watch mesmerized by the slow exact rhythm. The exact same speed his heart beats, stable and strong. He turns and I know I must truly look insane with the look on his face.

"Katniss. Are you alright?"

Instead of answering I rush in. Maybe I am broken on the inside, full of hundreds of holes, but so is he. Our insides match just as well as our fire mutt skin. I reach out and stroke his face, I feel the exact pain I have inside echo in him. Gale and I were one. But Peeta and I. We ARE one.

With that I kiss him, at first gently and then I feel the same hunger that overtook me in the quarter quell take over once more. Soon we are gasping up against his counter full of flour and heavy with anticipation. This time unlike many others, he is the one to stop.

"Wait- why," he asks and my instinct is to recoil altogether from this rejection. Instead I will myself to answer, he deserves that and so much more.

"You once told me that you'd stay. Always. Real or not real?"

He smirks and replies, " real… from what I can gather. You tell me."

"Real."

"I once told you I'd never want you to go. Real or not real?"

He looks at me with confusion and I see his mind try to wheel out the nonexistent memory from the dark abyss that became his brain.

"I don't know Katniss… I really can't remember." I move in closer, and put my lips up against his ear, he shivers.

"I NEVER want you to go." He pulls me close and gives me a kiss so full that it literally takes my breath away. I remember being a girl who never needed any one. Could take care of herself and deal with whatever was thrown her way. Somewhere along the way that girl diminished, there's a spark of her left. But now there lies one who knows it's ok to lean on others, whose heart is begging to be told that everything will be fine. Burnt to the core with Gale's fire, what I need is hope. Only the boy with the bread, the one willing to take beating after beating for me. From that first lash to his hijacking Peeta has been there… Now it's time for me to be there for him.

That night as we lay in bed bodies and hearts intertwined he strokes my face and I feel the hunger once more. I never knew that admitting my feelings would bring on more and yet here they are. I snuggle up close and kiss his warm shoulder.

"You love me. Real or no real?" he asks. And there is no hesitation, no doubt when I push past the last barrier and say out loud what I've been holding back for what seems like years.

"Real. " I reply.


	3. Chapter 3

I open my eyes and feel sunlight streaming in; light golden rays filter through the curtains. I smile and realize for the first time in a very long time I am content. In fact I am more than content, I am happy. There is no other reason for my happiness than the warm being next to me still fast asleep. Sleep erases all traces of life, it illuminates the youth and raises innocence, all guards are down. This is true with everyone, but especially with Peeta. When he sleeps I see the boy who showed me how to dip bread into hot chocolate, the on not yet fully scathed from the capitol and the hardships of life.

I began to count the number of breaths he takes and try to fall back asleep. When that doesn't work I begin tracing his face. First his eyes, piercing blue underneath his lids. Next his cheeks, which are so soft and bright red in excitement. After that I reach his nose, almost childish in nature. Lastly I move to his lips, so pink and war, sweet and always attentive to my own. I move in closer and lightly press my mouth against his. His eyes flutter open and my heart skips a beat.

"If this is how we'll wake up every morning, I won't be able to wait to go to sleep," he chuckles.

I hit him over the head with a pillow and laugh when he pulls me onto him. It is quick and sudden the spark that ignites and the mood shifts.

" How about another kiss. I wasn't awake for the first one." And with that I smile and lean in. One kiss.

"See I wasn't prepared I think we need to try again." I laugh and kiss him once more. Two kisses.

"You know, I was a bit distracted by your eyes I wasn't paying attention. One more time." I make a face in mock frustration and kiss him fully. This time the kiss lingers and I can't help but smile ending the moment.

"What? He asks. Don't tell me it's my morning breath because you've dealt with worse you know," his eyes twinkle and I know that there is no going back. This, what we have is here to stay and I'm ok with this change. For once the direction of my life is going where I wish it to. No one deciding my fate, no one other than myself.

" I think it's time we got up." Peeta groans and by habit my adrenaline rushes and concern rises to my face.

"I'm ok, don't worry. It was a joke Katniss. It's just, it's Sunday… You know in the past Plutarch told me Sunday was considered a day of rest… Why don't we start that ritual again? Why don't you come back to bed… I get us some hot chocolate, croissants from yesterday and we just rest."

Instead of replying I roll back on top of him kiss him fiercly and kiss his neck hoping he catches on to my mood. He eventually does.

We spent the day in bed laughing and telling stories. Some sad, some happy, but more happy than sad. It wasn't until nightfall that silence crept onto us. It is then I decide to let him in.

"Peeta… there are times I feel like every good thing, every possible crack of light will be snatched up in an instant. As if I am never meant to enjoy life. And when those times come, I just want to run. I want to hide in a closet and stay there forever. I… I just want you to know that today might be fine.. but I never know about tomorrow."

Peeta turns from the fireplace that he was working logs into and crosses the living room. He tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear and looks me dead in the eye.

" Katniss, there are times I feel as if I'm being swallowed alive. That the mutt the capitol made out of me will take over and I'll endanger you in some way again. If that ever happened again I'd never be able to live with myself. Real or not real, we are made for each other. I've never believed it more so than now. Before I met you I was infatuated. I built this image of who I thought you were, and then I learned just how wrong I was. You are better than my fantasies. You are a fearless person whose love is boundless. Whoever you let in never needs to fear because you will always be there for them. You are beautiful inside and out. We are broken Katniss that I can't deny. But I wouldn't take back one second of the life I've had because it has brought me here. I needed to get to know you to truly love you right and now that I have I know that you will overcome this. Life isn't easy, but it's worth living. Today has showed me that.. and I hope one day I can prove it to you as well."

I didn't realize I was crying until he wiped the tears from my face. He kisses my cheek and holds me tight. I am shaking like a leaf and cannot stop myself, with tears plummeting from my face Peeta kisses me once more time. He picks me up in a cradle position and carries me to the room. He puts me into bed and he climbs in as well.

" I love you," I tell him.

"I love you," he replies and pulls me close. Next thing I know I am asleep, no longer traumatized with horrible nightmares I sleep peacefully seeing a little boy with my hair and Peeta's eyes and a little girl with Peeta's hair and my eyes, they are safe and happy. I am safe and happy.


End file.
